Coward
by Chikai Tenshi
Summary: Kenshin's feeling towards Karou. "They think they know, but they are all wrong."
1. Weakness

            Thunder rumbled across the night sky, and the patter of rain pounded on the roof of the dojo. A figure, content under the warmth of her blankets, slept deeply, heedless of the loud crashes and the constant beating of the shower outside. A flash of lightning lit the face of a man who quietly knelt at the lady's side, particularly the cross-shaped scar on his right cheek.  The booming crashes of thunder were more than enough to cover the click of metal as the figure unsheathed his blade. His golden eyes stared back in the shiny steel of the katana, and he raised it above his head…she didn't even scream.

   "NO!" I screamed, throwing my blankets and leaping out of my bed. The thunder no doubt hid my cry, because no one came running to see what had ailed the red haired samurai. I ran to my shoji and almost ripped the frail rice paper as I threw it open and dashed down the hall.  "Kami, let Kaoru-dono be alright," I prayed. "Please!"

  Skidding to an almost comic stop in front of her shoji door, I managed to take a few deep, calming breaths before opening it. If she wasn't dead…no…if she saw me rip open her door like some crazed maniac, I'd be locked in the storage shed for months. 

  "Kaoru-dono?" I whispered hesitantly, easing open the door with a slight click. She didn't seem to have a katana sticking out of her chest, so I guess that was a plus…and when I saw the quiet rise and fall of her chest in peaceful slumber, I nearly wept in relief. 

   I simply watched her, content to be in her presence without her knowledge. The way her hands curled into gentle fists, the quiet sighs that escaped her, the soft flush of her cheeks and the muted and no doubt tender words she was whispering to the wind…it was almost all too much to bear. Battousai practically screamed and raged for me to take her, and I had to bit my lip harsh enough to draw blood to avoid agreeing.

   I love her; everyone knew that but she, and they aren't happy about that latter fact. But, even with the constant encouragement, pleads…threats…I just can't seem to bring myself to tell her. Even with Battousai in me raging and the way my heart breaks in two when I hear her sobs at night, I just can't find the courage to confess. Why? Why?

   Sure, everyone thinks they know, but they don't. I tenderly caress her forehead, brushing aside some of her silky bangs and even allowing myself to kiss her softly on the cheek-a feather light touch that I know she wasn't able to be awakened by. Besides, in cases of thunderstorms, she usually refuses to awaken, forcing herself to sleep as soundly as Yahiko and Sanosuke. My hand lingers on her cheek, and my eyes darken with remorse at the train of my unstoppable mental babbling.

  Everyone thinks they know why I don't tell Kaoru the truth. They all whisper to each other that I must fell as though I am too guilty, stained, old, the list could go on for hours. Somehow they don't think that I hear or notice the rumors. And perhaps they are right-I am an ex-hitokori with many lives on his hands, and I do happen to be 10 years older than she. However, as true and as fundamental as they may be, they are wrong.

  Why do I push her away, this girl who is my life, my soul, my reason for existing? Why do I constantly hurt her, and myself? Yes, it may be to protect her-anyone who gets attached to a murderer risks the chance of death, and I'd die myself than have her hurt. Yes, it may be because I am a rurouni who does not know when he will leave-although I continually find that aspect harder to grasp at each of her smiles, frowns, taunts, laughs…every blasted time I find myself drowning in her eyes. I even considered waking her, just to see those brilliant orbs. I refused to do so-but it was getting harder each night.

  But they are all wrong. No matter how sure they are of my reasons, I have to admit, they aren't as dignified as that. I gently take her hand, stiffening as she stirs, but relaxing as it subsides, her muttering words that I longed to hear but couldn't. 

  No matter what they think, I'm afraid my reason of leaving her in the dark cannot be as noble as they think. Yes, I am willing to give up my happiness for her safety, but that is only a minor factor in the scheme of things.

    I am a coward. People may think differently of me, after all, I am the famed Battousai-the best swordsman in Japan, the man who struck fear in the hearts of men and beasts everywhere during the Bakamatsu. But sadly, it is the truth- I am nothing but a coward.

 Tomoe's death was the end of my life as Battousai, her blood splattered on the snow stained in my heart, mind and hands forever, but she was never mine. Perhaps she loved me, but her fiancée, ironically the one I killed, would be forever the only true holder of her heart. Oddly, that fact doesn't sting me as I found it did before-the burn of jealousy, not because she loved another, but because she had someone to love, not as sharp. I think I have a certain gorgeous, fiery kendo master to thank for that. Nevertheless, I did love Tomoe-and her death did open a wound in me, one that has yet to be healed completely. 

  Kaoru's 'death' flashed before my eyes, and I grip her hand a little too tightly, resulting in a soft moan before she turned over and slumbered peacefully again. Seeing her body pinned to the wall destroyed me in a way that Tomoe's death never could have. It scared me, frightened me in a way that I never thought possible. And it was then I knew that I loved this girl more than anyone I've ever met in all my wretched life, valued her life and happiness above all other's…but mine.

  I'm not the happiest guy in Japan, far from it in fact. However, the tiny shred of happiness in my being is something I find myself clinging to like it was my last lifeline. Only one person can take it away, and that's the girl I currently gazed over, asleep and oblivious. I might protest about protecting her, but in reality, it is myself whom I am protecting. I couldn't bear to lose her, my single scrap of happiness too precious to be taken away. If she died, her death would no doubt affect me more than Tomoe's, simply because of the fact that I love her like I have loved no other.  It would not only be the submission of one part of me this time, but the demise of the entire me-Himura Kenshin's whole being and soul. How can I risk it? I fear too much what would happen to me if she were to be taken away.

  No, I am not scared that she doesn't return my feelings-I'm not that stupid, contrary to popular belief…coughsanocough. She refuses to stop loving me, and I am selfish and I love that fact. No man can take her away from me because she loves me, and I her, and no person and their army can come between me and what is mine. Maybe that is consolation to my enraged alter ego. Kamiya Kaoru falling in love with another is an idea I find hard to believe because, again, I am selfish and I relish the fact that she will not leave me for another. 

  Perhaps that will give me enough time to realize that which Battousai already knows-she has the power to make the tiny scrap of happiness grow and flourish under her tender adoration. Maybe then I will finally gain the courage to tell her how I feel…and become as brave as everyone in Japan so falsely believes.

  I kiss her cheek again, lingering longer than I usually did. I whispered a loving goodnight in her ear, and even venture so far as so say the words that she has longed to hear for so long, and the words I have longed to say.

  "Aishiteru- Kaoru-koishi," I murmured again, brushing back her messy bangs. I reached again to tuck her comfortably and bend in for a kiss…freezing as I realized…

    Her eyes were open, her sapphire eyes regarding me with a soft gaze.

**Author's Ramble**-- Oooh, a cliffhanger! Well, if I get enough reviews, I… might…do a sequel…I'm thinking something in Kaoru's point of view. With luck, I can keep switching it, and make it resemble some good writing... Please, tell me what you think-it's the longest fic I've posted, and I'm slightly nervous…


	2. Strength

You actually think I don't know.

   How could I miss the presence of my beloved rurouni, even in the middle of the night, even in the middle of an awful thunderstorm? You've been coming into my room and crying by my bedside for nights on end since my return from Enishi's island. I can imagine your 'oro' face if I tell you this, and it makes me stifle a small smile, turning my face to hide the growing grin in my mattress. I feel your grip on my hand stiffen, and I wish you'd relax. 

_            After all, am I not asleep?_

   Well, you **did** crush my hand the first night you rushed in, blinded by tears, heaving with gasps…my grin vanished, replaced by a slight frown that glowered into the blankets.   
 … Even though you burst in here in all sorts of un-godly hours and sob uncontrollably at my side, clutching at my hands, brushing my cheeks and even going so far as to gather my body into your arms one particularly nasty stormy night. And yet you still do not know? You think that your title of Battosai would actually guarantee you ninja status so that the woman who loves you more than life would remain oblivious to your presence?

_   Do you think of me as some sort of living dead?_

There is something that I have kept secret from you all these days, other than my knowledge of your so-called secret nightly meetings at my side. I guess while you have calmed down and are holding my hand, I should tell you mentally, even though I could never confide this to your face. When we were together, Enishi fell in love with me-so deeply in fact that he begged me to run away with him to China. He was willing to forgo his jinchuu for me-Kamiya Karou, tanuki girl. He showered me with praises, brought me simple, but heart-warming gifts of flowers and seashells, even asked for my cooking. It was…nice, to say the least; nice to feel loved; needed; desired. Of course I did not say yes, as I'm here listening to your sobs again this night, but I did pause to consider, perhaps even wavered. I never gave him an answer- I think that he knew what my feelings for you were, even to the very end.

  I'm sorry, Kenshin, but a girl can only take so much of this kind of affection.

Yes, I do know of your feelings for me, Kenshin, and I wish that you would say the words that you whisper to me late at night more often, and not only when you think that I am sleeping. I can read them in your eyes; feel it in your touch; hear it in your voice. I am a woman, and women are blessed, or cursed with a sort of second sight into these matters. It just took a bit for my superpowers to work, so to speak. Is it love? Fondness? I draw a blank. 

  You are probably as afraid as I am when it comes to our feelings. Lord knows that I don't know exactly what to do when you look at me with barely hidden emotion, at times where you are comfortable enough to let your walls come down. I suppose you're like Misao-chan's precious Aoshi-sama; so different, and yet so similar when it comes to love. He's as afraid of what feelings he has for Misao as you are, and I must admit it does make him endearing.

_Why be scared? I do not plan to go anywhere (and god knows Misao will never leave him.) _

    If it is of my feelings that you fear, then, yes, you might be entitled to have some doubt. I suppose you think that I will wait for you forever, do you? I have to hide my face again as a scowl lifts my lips. Of course you would be thinking something like that. Someone has been filling your head with how immature I am that I would cling to you for the rest of my bloody life, isn't that right? Stupid fox lady. See if I help her when she realizes how deeply she's fallen for that chicken head. You mustn't have seen my smirk, as you keep silent.

  Don't misunderstand, there was definitely a time when I would have waited till the end of time for you, but I've lost that childish innocence, no longer that naïve, no longer that poor, love struck teenager. If you will not have me, then I will die, yes, but I will live on. It used to scare me, and it still does, your rejection, but I am strong. I can live without you, if need be.      

 _Tell me that it would never come to that, however. Words and actions are entirely different things. I have no wish to test out my bravado. I am still in love with you, no matter the pain._

_   But how I grow weary of waiting for you, Kenshin. _

Imagine, the best swordsman in Japan, afraid of me. I assure you, I think you're gallant and brave and absolutely lovely, no matter how much you protest and object. Is it the age difference? It matters naught to me. Do you fear the guilt? If purity was one of the qualities I demand for a lover, then I guess I am out of luck, ne? For none of my past boyfriends were as pure as you. I guess I could tell you that, to ease your fright, but I'm afraid of what you might do to them…I am friends with them still, and good friends are hard to replace.

  Ah. A flash of understanding hits me and I move to lay on my back, enjoying the way your hands stroke my cheeks. You are afraid of losing me, is that it? I confess, with all my former kidnappings-especially Enishi's- I'm not exactly safe, but there is something I must confess.

  _I love being saved by you.   _

What? I can enjoy playing the damsel in distress, can't I? It makes me feel lovely, even though the usual irritation at the idiot's opinion of my seemingly helpless predicament is infuriating…the things I do to get some action around here, ne? 

  _Well, a girl has to do what she has to do._

But, Kenshin, give me some credit. I think I can take care of myself. Despite my father's style, and my choice of weapon, I am still considered a formidable opponent. And since this is mental lecture and you'll not hear this, I believe I can let you in on one more secret. 

_  Just because I do not usually wield a sword does not mean I cannot brandish a blade._

I open my eyes with a start as I feel something softer than your hands touch my cheek, lingering longer than you ever have. My, my, my, Kenshin, are we getting bolder? I snap my eyes shut as you regard me, but I can only pray that the darkness of my room is cloak for my impish smile. You whisper the words that I have longed to hear forever, although I would have liked them without the cover and security of night, and lean in- perhaps to kiss me once more? This time, I cannot resist…I watch as your violet eyes soak in that I am indeed watching you, and find much amusement in the fact that you go as stiff as a statue in panic.

   "Hello, Kenshin," I smiled, reaching up and tugging at your bangs playfully. "Fancy meeting you in here, de gozarro yo."

  "…" You intelligently answer, emitting a sort of terrified gurgle from time to time. "…"

I giggled, "You came in quieter this time, I must congratulate you."

"Oro! Qui-*squeak*-quieter this time, de gozarro ka? Sessha can explain, de gozarro yo!"

I try to patiently listen to your rushed and incomprehensible babble which I assume is an apology or an justification but roll my eyes, reaching up to wrap my arms around your neck, bringing you down closer to me-_pause for air, before you pass out, man_! A girl can only wait so long, ne? And to hell with being demure-you're just too damn slow.

   I kissed you, long and hard, effectively stopping your flow of explanations. After a tense moment of uncertainty, I whimper with the new sensation, and it was answered with a moan of your own.

   There was no need for talking for the rest of the evening.

"Love? That emotion is nothing to be afraid of. The female, however, you should approach with the greatest amount of caution."

*~*~*Author's Note*~*~* 

  Ah, it's done! What do you think of my quote, eh? After I re-read Coward, I was kind of mad when Kenshin was saying that Kaoru'd wait forever. I think that's really macho, guy thinking, taking the girl for granted, don't cha think? I think she would wait for him, but come on, there's more to Kaoru than just Kenshin. So I added a mixture of some independence, but still some vulnerability. Just like any girl, she's afraid that he might not like her, but I kind of inserted a tough "it's his loss" feeling-still kind of shaky, but there, and developing.  And they get together at the end- I'm still a true k&k fanatic! Sorry it took so long to finish, but ff.net was always down, and when it wasn't I wasn't at the house the computer that had it was in. Please don't kill me…*cringes*. Anyways, are you guys getting bored with all these insight fics? What do you think? If you guys want some of my longer works…how could I say no? J Until next time! Ja! 

July 2003: sorry for the false alarm, but I was looking over the formatting for my past stories and cringed when I saw this, so…I had to update the format. No new updates to this one, folks. Its done!


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